turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
