made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Two words: nipple clamps
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