mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
