I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
