i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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