i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
