my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
We smell like vodka and hangover
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