We're like a lot better than the average bears
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
