It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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