I could make wine with my vomit
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
