Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
