I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
