my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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