So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
