anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
