Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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