I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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