Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
