I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
This is not my ceiling
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
