i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
