News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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