So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize