look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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