oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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