I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
