Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
