So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
