Where are you?
In a non slutty way
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
