the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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