cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
