i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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