i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Drunk is a universal language darling
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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