Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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