$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
