woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Randomize
