I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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