she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
