Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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