wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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