Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
