I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
