My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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