I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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