I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
