i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
