He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
