I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
