I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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