I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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