I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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