hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
