he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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