God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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