I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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