whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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