I wish I could teleport
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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