Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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