Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize