Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize